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jeffru6475
Posts:7
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| 07/23/2008 11:56 PM |
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| i recently remarried after a 20 yr marriage.my current wife has started to gain weight and her health has changed for the worse(high blood pressure,reacurring headaches).i'm having trouble explaining my concern and at the samtime not looking like a pig.she could be buetiful woman on the outside as long as the inside.is it wrong for me to want her to look good for me?i really want to grow old with her and both of us live long healthy lives .i need her to look good for me is this wrong to feel this way.i'm not asking for her to become a supermodel,i would just be happy with a healthy fit woman in her 40's.please help me somebody |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 07/24/2008 5:55 PM |
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Hey Jeff,
Let me make a suggestion. Your wife is probably well aware of her weight and health issues, and she's probably unhappy with it. And it sounds like you're just as concerned with her being healthy as you are with her looking good.
If you want to see changes, consider making the first move. Join a gym and invite her along. Take an active and visible in your own health and weight, and maybe it will be an example that she will want to follow!
-Julie |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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jeffru6475
Posts:7
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| 07/25/2008 1:00 AM |
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| we joined a gym,but time is shortwith kids and home repairs.i think i messed up anyway.i tried to talk to her about it and no matter how i put my wording she heard something else.we got into a fight and she said she didn't want to be with me if i didn't feel comfortable having sex with a fat girl.i never even said anything about not having sex. i only said it was uncomfortable to do certain things with her.she's ready to leave because i'm never happy with her and i only want to change her.i was only trying to talk about something that concerned me before it got to the point that i didn't want to be intimant with her.now i feel like i should have kept it inside and tuffed it out.i don't understand why she wants me to talk then make me feel at fault .it's not good to hold feelings they only come out later usally aimed at the wrong people.so now i'm suppose to be happy and with hold any or all concerns i have about our marrige.granted i never seem to say what it is i'm trying to discuss .any way now i'm just a shallow man who only likes skinny girls and i try to control every one thats overwieght.i cant do this a third time.why do we get all dressed up at first then put dirty clothes on later.it's like bait and switch.i still don't know when to shut up |
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tajitianmoon
Posts:3
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| 08/17/2008 7:17 PM |
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| I feel sorry that you are going throught that... My husband and I recently dealt with this and it was very very difficult for me to accept what he was saying. (As in, I was hysterical!) BUT, I can only tell you that you've said enough, as you know, and it will have to be up to her to make some changes. When my husband stopped talking about it and started telling me he loved me and that I was beautiful every day, I decided that I owed it to him to at least try. Since she is aware of her problems already, let that part rest and just continue to love her unconditionally. If she is like every other woman, she will not WANT to be continually complacent about her appearance. I hope that helps... |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 08/18/2008 9:27 AM |
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| BTW, there is something called TACT, and if your husband can't express how he's feeling in a sensitive way, then he needs to work on that, too. |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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judydiana
Posts:3
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| 08/22/2008 8:04 PM |
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A very touchy and difficult subject!
We all, I think, desperately need to be loved and accepted unconditionally as we are, and for a women it is SOOOOOOO important that she is desired and attractive to her mate.
If she knows that she isnt, it is desperately hurtful and she may close up and withdraw.(and it definately will affect your sex life) I would agree with a previous poster, that to love her, tell her she is attractive and lovely all the time and build up her self esteem, and she is much more likely to want to change herself, rather than to 'have' to do it because you may not 'fancy' her if she doesnt.
In my opinion,and from my experience, women are well aware that men tend to like slim women, and well aware that they may not be the 'ideal' weight, after all, how could we not be aware when we are bombarded with the images of the so called 'perfect' woman that are all around us?
Also, I dont suppose you do, but PLEASE dont stare at slim women when you are out with her, as this will only make her feel 10 times worse, when she probably already feels that she isnt 'good enough for you the way she is.
Tread carefully is my advice, praise her and love her unconditionally, and PRAY for wisdom. God understands the situation totally. |
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catha
Posts:4
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| 10/09/2008 5:30 PM |
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| start talking about different romantic activites you can do together , like take a hike to look at the sunset, even if it is only to the haborhood school yard after dinner, go ride bikes around town to the thrift stores, have raise walks in the mall( dont be stupid, Let her win , if you want to do this again, dude), point is make it fun and get a move on. i dont care what anyone says , dont ever ever make your wife feel overweight, its the same as if she thought you were stupid and told everyone you were. |
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Silky
Posts:1
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| 11/03/2008 1:06 PM |
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Question:
I am in a similar position. My husband of 6 years told me about 2 months ago that he was unhappy and wanted to leave because he's not "in love" anymore. We have a 4 year old and so I started to read Shaunti's book and several others that I got at the Weekend to Remember. He decided this weekend that he wants to stay but not because of his love of me, he just doesn't want to break up our family. We had a long talk last night and he told me that he's not physically attracted to me anymore because of the size of my hips. They are the same size that they were when we married (maybe even a little smaller). He said he didn't like them then but got over it. I work out and always have but am genetically predisposed to carry excess weight in my lower body. Now he's saying that his feelings not liking them are back and he is struggling with lust issues because he's not attracted to me. What am I supposed to do in this case? |
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jeffru6475
Posts:7
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| 03/28/2009 9:00 PM |
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| I haven't posted in along time i felt like you women ganged up on me.I've refrained from making any comments concerning her weight.I bought a bowflex home gym and work out following their programs.I eat as healthy as i can and i do most of the cooking.I've watched her gain wieght and complain about her back,her hip,and her ankles.I've watched her buy diet pills only to give up after the first week,not just once but any time some miracle pill comes on TV.I've heard her back doctor tell her if she lost wieght she would feel so much better.I've seen her take hydra-codiene for back-leg-ankle pain like it's candy.I'm slowly watching her kill herself and can't say anything about it because there is no way to be tactful about this subject to a woman.I will come out the bad evil man who only wants a trophy wife.I don't understand why we do all we can to attract and find a mate then exspect them to love when we are nolonger the same in apperence and attitude.Jesus became angry when they defaced the temple and the bible says your body is your temple.I have seen some women that were big and very attractive because they were firm and well rounded ,not flabby and unhealthy. As a man i find it very dishearting,it's almost as if she no longer cares enough for me to do what it takes as if i'm not worth it any more.This is how i'm supposed to live the rest of my life taking care of and listening to complaints from a overweight wife who nolonger feels the need to take care of herself .It has become all i can do to not look at other women .I don't think you women realize how much control you have over a mans lust.When a man is happy with his wife his lust goes way down .Can somebody offer me anything to keep me here? Her heart is good ,but i feel like i'm being cheated out of the rest .I have tried to be honest with you about my feelings something men find hard to do ,so please be kind with your replies ladies |
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gracemercypeace
Posts:7
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| 04/21/2009 12:09 AM |
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I just wanted to share a tidbit of my story. I am overweight. Have been every size between 4-22 in my marriage I was a 16 when we got married. This has been a contention. My husband razzed me at a size 14 and wishes I was there now. He was not happy with me at a size 14 now he has a size 20/22. It is my fault I know. It does not help the comments the damage to my self esteem he has done. He made it clear he will not have sexual relations with me. It is very clear to me he does not love me. Me has said he cannot be attracted to me this weight. I take care of my appearance and hair trendy clothes etc. It is the weight.
I am not talking he does not love me just because he says does not feel attracted to me fat. But I know I am going thru life with a man who will never truly love me. If...when I lose weight again he will love the outside what he sees. But I will never feel deeply loved by him. I am quite broken hearted over it. I have made plenty mistakes in my life.In my marriage. He has gone as far as had an affair with another woman and was going to leave. Did I contriubute to his falling because of my obesity YES and that sickens me. Now I have an STD for life because they chose to sin.
When I try to do something and share it with him he shoots me down, tears apart what I am doing by being skeptical about it. I am overwhelmed with it all. I am to the point of nervousness. Shame I have to be careful around him how I walk what I wear that might accentuaute the fat.
He does not understand the challenge he has a great metabolism. But I have to find a way to do the right thing and to be healthy and honor the body the Lord has given me. |
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gracemercypeace
Posts:7
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| 04/21/2009 12:22 AM |
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I hope you read my comment. I am like your wife. I live in shame because of my weight. I am embarassed. MY husband many times in the past said exactly as you he wasted his life being married to a fat woman.
I just get to a point I am working out and bam I injure myself. Or get a cold whatever! I sabotage my eating plans by not taking 30 min a day to prepare what I need to lose the weight.
I can only say pray for your wife fervently. The prayers of a righteous person availeth (sp?) much. There is a verse that says this. I did when he had an affair and our marriage was restored. We are struggling because of my weight. I wish he would pray for me. He says God helps those who helps themselves. We need prayer because we are in sin and need to really turn from it. And we need the support that your prayers offer as our husbands.
Our society is not kind to overweight people. I can tell you when I lose weight men gawk and I hate it. I remember my skin crawling because of it. Maybe that is something I needed to realize was their problem not mine. But I hate that about men. I am like look at your own wife not me.
I will be praying for your wife and you. Maybe she and I will conquer this somehow. We are too young to let physical ailments and weight ruin our lives!
Your vows were in good times and bad. This is the bad you made a vow to stay. Be faithful to the Lord in this. Lean on Him and ask him for wisdom. |
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lilm
Posts:4
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| 12/15/2009 5:38 AM |
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| To jeffru6475 you need to learn to love your wife for who she is. I would really hate to be in her shoes and to have a husband like you. You don't care about her appearance more than her health. Don't tell me that it is not true. Your right, being unhealthy voilates the temple (body), but if you want to be a good husband let God take care of it and love your wife no matter what. It is not your wife's responsibility to keep you from lusting after other women. YOU ARE RESPONSABLE FOR LUSTING OTHER WOMEN AND YOU'RE SINNING. Women do not have control over a man's lust. |
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lilm
Posts:4
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| 12/15/2009 5:40 AM |
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| Sorry, I made a mistake. I meant to say you do not care about her health, you only care about her appreance, which is extremely selfish. |
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lizzybeth
Posts:9
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| 12/21/2009 3:46 PM |
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| I would like to offer you encouragement Jeffru7475. You are indeed in a very tough spot, and it makes me so sad for you and for your wife. (I've been in a bit of a similiar situation.)
Also, I believe that we women DO have a responsibility to our husbands to try and please them - even if we may not entirely understand. God has been showing me to love my husband with a servant's heart. (NOT always easy to do! But I'm working on it.)
My suggestion is when you are frustrated with your wife, just take a step back, and pray and think what is something you can do for her from the humble heart of a servant? Yes, this can be very difficult. Sometimes I have to do it with gritted teeth, asking God for forgiveness for my wrong attitude. Somehow, it has begun to open up things in my marriage that I have wanted for years. Some days I am just amazed. My husband is not a believer so I have a special burden. I've come to think of it as my "Husband Ministry".
I hope that this will be an encouragement to you as I've intended. Hang in there. |
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lizzybeth
Posts:9
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| 12/22/2009 8:22 PM |
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| By the way... I do NOT think you are a terrible person. |
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Ashley4
Posts:7
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| 12/27/2009 8:50 PM |
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I am in a similar situation - only opposite. I eat healthy and look ok and I realize the depth of men's feelings on that topic because I'm married to a man that doesn't really care what he eats, how he eats or how much. I'll force myself to have one plate of food while he has three. He always has pop and chips at the house, and I have to force myself not to eat any of it. How can I help him realize it's killing me? (I love my chips too)
And also, if men want their wives to be caring about their appearance, PLEASE do the same for us. We realize it's difficult, but we're going through all of this and it's very hard for us to be confdient when every time we turn around, some girl is taking our husbands away even for a second. It really does put us women on a track thinking, Doesn't he think I'm attractive? Am I not good enough? |
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Abby Berry
Posts:4
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| 05/24/2010 5:53 PM |
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| I would like to say to jeffru6475 that you do not sound like a horrible person. I am sorry for the other women that have said terrible things to you because of what you posted. Unfortunately, weight is SUCH a tough subject with us. I am a little overweight myself, and my husband has often said that he would like for me to work out, but I am not offended by this because he has made it very clear that he only wants it for my well-being and self confidence and I believe him. I know that he loves me no matter how big I am, and that helps so much. I know that I need to lose weight, but I have no motivation to work out, because I feel like it is so unfair that I am fat. I know that sounds bad, but I gained weight because of medical problems and hormonal changes that occured because of having to have a hysterectomy at 25. There really is no "fix" for your situation. :-( The only thing that you can do is try to love her anyway, and pray every day that she wants to help herself. I understand the frustration you feel because you seem to truly care about her health and the fact that she is going downhill and you don't want to see that. The only thing I can say is "keep the faith". If your wife doesn't appreciate your concerns, then I would say that is her problems and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. |
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Stranger
Posts:1
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| 05/26/2010 12:00 PM |
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| Jeffru6475, you say I don't think you women realize how much control you have over a mans lust.When a man is happy with his wife his lust goes way down
That may be true. However, there is more to being happy with your wife than just enjoying her body. It has to do with learning to love her soul. After all, a woman has only so much control over her physical appearance. Eventually, even the supermodels will start to sag and turn grey.
I also don't think YOU understand how much control a man has over his wife's emotions, self image, and the desire she has to take care of herself. If a woman doesn't feel loved, she can get sad or depressed. This leads to lack of energy. It can also cause her to turn to food for comfort. Then she starts gaining weight and her husband reacts negatively towards her. This makes her feel even worse about herself. It also makes her feel like her husband only loves her for her body, otherwise he would love her in spite of the weight she's gained. This will lead to more depression and emotional eating, which will eventually become habits which are hard to break.
If she loses weight and her husband reacts favorably, her theory will be "confirmed." Once a woman starts to believe that her husband's love for her is based on her physical appearance, it becomes almost impossible for her to ever believe that her husband truly loves her. I know this from excperience. My husband and I have gone through the situation you are in, and though my husband has changed much over the years and says he has learned to love me in a way he never understood before, it is hard for me to believe that his increased kindness toward me doesn't have anything to do with the 30 pounds I have lost recently. Through years of jabs about my weight, I have become an emotional wreck. Not only is it hard for me to believe that my husband or anyone else might think I am beautiful, but it is hard for me to think that I have any value at all. Sometimes I even wonder if God thinks I am worth loving.
Do you truly love your wife? When you look at her, can you see past the fat to the woman she is inside? Is having something pretty to look at worth more to you than the soul of your wife? It didn't matter to me how many times my husband told me he was concerned about my weight, I could tell who he was really concerned about. Maybe your wife feels the same way.
Ken Nair does a good job of addressing this subject in his book Discovering the Mind of A Woman. He says "Over the years the wife's appearance has gone downhill. Her husband has finally convinced her that he doesn't care about her, so why should she care? She starts putting on weight which is often indicative of an emotional factor.
But let's say that she can't help it, that it's a glandular problem. It's still an opportunity for a husband to examine the attitudes within his heart. Her weight gain is not a surprise to God. . .
So how a husband responds shows whether or not he has Christlike attitudes. If he starts to get irritated and critical about her weight, he is beginning to reveal un-Christlike attitudes. However, let's suppose that this husband is feeling compassion for his wife. Let's suppose he reassures her by saying something like this: "I know this is a struggle for you. My greatest concern is that you think this affects my love for you. Let me assure you that I am commited to love you for the rest of my life.
If you face this situation, don't fall into the trap of thinking, Now that I've told you what I think, don't expect me to tell you again. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know. Saying this once will never solve the need. You will need to reaffirm your commitment and love often- preferably daily. |
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