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GeneD
Posts:3
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| 03/22/2009 12:07 AM |
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I work 2 jobs (usually 6 days a week), and my wife is a school teacher as we try to make ends meet. I spend most of the day on the 1 day off repairing, fixing, lawnscaping, planting, weeding, maintaining vehicles, and such. My wife mentioned to me that she was frustrated that I did not do more to help out around the house with her busy work schedule not giving her more time for home maint. and wanted me to work on assisting more in the home. At this point let me say that she never plants a flower, washes a window, pulls a weed, pushes a lawn mower, picks up a paint brush, or utilizes a tool. In an effort to be more helpful I was glad to add additional duties around the house. My daily schedule allows me to come home for about an hour around lunch time before heading to my second job. This was a good time to clean the kitchen, put in a load of laundry, run the vacuum, clean a room etc... Since I started doing this all I get is criticism on how it's being done. One day she came in and asked if our 7 year old had cleaned the kitchen because it sure looked like someone had tried to make her think that. She was upset that the dishwasher had been "loaded" incorrectly, and that I did not put all the dishes away in the "right" place. Then recently she asked me to "please" stop doing the laundry because I did not it right by folding the clothes the "right" way before putting them away after they came out of the dryer and that she just had to go back and do it all over again because of the way it had been done, "so she might as well have just done it herself anyway". Then she said she felt that men purposely did things wrong around the house and housework was the only item men wanted to look stupid about doing just so they wouldn't be asked to do it any longer. After that comment I actually got away from everyone as I could not hide the tears....I truly wanted to be a help to her, but she made me feel like a fool. Additionally, I never ask, or expect her to help with the maint. work, mowing, car repair, window washing, garage work, planting, weeding etc.... All I want to do is be a help and sweetheart to the wife I love, but it seems I'm losing the war on the domestic front.  |
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type5
Posts:13
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| 03/27/2009 4:08 AM |
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Just relax, let her take on all the burdens like you are doing now and she'll be getting a taste of your medicine.
Oh wait, then you can't be the saint of the relationship doing all the chores and being 'the good guy'.
How will that work . . . 
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smily6184
Posts:4
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| 05/11/2009 2:43 PM |
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| Have you told her how you feel? I think it is so common in our culture to make fun of men for being bad at housework that women don't realize how much it hurts their husbands. There are so many commercials that depict men as completely incompetent, and their wives only mock them for it. I really think your best bet s just to explain to her that you are only trying to be helpful, and tell her it hurts when she is so cynical. |
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charlesp
Posts:3
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| 11/12/2009 6:44 PM |
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| .....yea, and I bet she constantly wants your help fixing everything from the computer to the vehicle! Amazing how they imply how you never help with anything, but then seem they can't do anything on their own when somethings amiss. |
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endomom
Posts:4
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| 12/05/2009 4:55 PM |
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| I get very frusterated with my loving husband when he helps out in the house. He works full time,12 hours a day, 4 days a week. I work part time with a behavior-disabled child. I have almost full work with our two children, and both of us have full class loads at school. Added to this, we both have things we work at or particiate in at church 2-3 nights a week.
So we are busy and the house sits, and sits, and sits. Then, when his family comes over (not mine!) HE goes into a cleanning frenzy and then, because he has asthma, he cannot breathe very well.
I get frustrated because he can't breathe or he's hurt himself. At the same time, I've stirred up enough of my own allergens I'll be sick for a week. cleaning is our second biggest agitator in our marriage.
What we have leanred to do, besides asking the kids to help, is one person cleans while the other is not there, for like an hour. After the hour, we flip places. We cannot clean together because we're both stubborn people.
To the man who started this thread:
Can you ask her to show you the "right" way to clean things? I would love if DH would do that. There's certain things I need to use in certain places because of allergies, and there's a certain way to fold clothes so my clothes-horse daughter can put at least half of her clothes away.
Another option... does she have a friend who cleans houses as a job? Bring this friend over, pay for the food, and then for a manicure or something for them to do fun, as a reward, after. Jason did this for me and I rewarded him in my own way for it.
It's difficult, but may God help you find the right answer. |
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Quality of life is not in the have and have nots. It is in the will and will nots. |
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Abby Berry
Posts:4
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| 05/24/2010 5:28 PM |
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Housework seems to be a hot button issue with a lot of couples. It can be in my marriage as well. Let me just say to you, GeneD, kudos for stepping up and trying to help your wife. I'm sorry that she doesn't appreciate the efforts. You really should tell her how you feel about how she critisizes your efforts. It could be that she doesn't realize that she's being so harsh.
It's a slightly different situation for me because I am a stay-at-home mom with twins whose husband is in the military. He works during the day and comes home and watches TV. I stuggle with conflicting emotions because on one hand, I feel like it is my job to do the majority of the housework and child-care because I don't work outside the home. On the other hand, I feel upset because I feel like my husband doesn't really appreciate how difficult it is for me to do everything on my own before he gets home from work, then do dinner, clean the kitchen again, and get the kids bathed and ready for bed all by myself. Sometimes I say something to him about being frustrated because he doesn't help, and he usually ignores me. But I usually say nothing, because one, it doesn't help, and two, like I said before, I feel like it is my responsiblilty. Anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with this situation? |
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Abby Berry
Posts:4
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| 05/24/2010 5:28 PM |
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Housework seems to be a hot button issue with a lot of couples. It can be in my marriage as well. Let me just say to you, GeneD, kudos for stepping up and trying to help your wife. I'm sorry that she doesn't appreciate the efforts. You really should tell her how you feel about how she critisizes your efforts. It could be that she doesn't realize that she's being so harsh.
It's a slightly different situation for me because I am a stay-at-home mom with twins whose husband is in the military. He works during the day and comes home and watches TV. I stuggle with conflicting emotions because on one hand, I feel like it is my job to do the majority of the housework and child-care because I don't work outside the home. On the other hand, I feel upset because I feel like my husband doesn't really appreciate how difficult it is for me to do everything on my own before he gets home from work, then do dinner, clean the kitchen again, and get the kids bathed and ready for bed all by myself. Sometimes I say something to him about being frustrated because he doesn't help, and he usually ignores me. But I usually say nothing, because one, it doesn't help, and two, like I said before, I feel like it is my responsiblilty. Anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with this situation? |
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**Jes :-)
Posts:154
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| 05/25/2010 9:35 PM |
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Posted By smily6184 on 05/11/2009 2:43 PM
...it is so common in our culture to make fun of men for being bad at housework that women don't realize how much it hurts their husbands. There are so many commercials that depict men as completely incompetent, and their wives only mock them for it.
i agree!! i hate it how they do that with commercials! or how so many women are critical about men! i have a hard time accepting that!! i think that is why so many men fail to stand up and take up the leadership that God intended men to have in the society. and there fore women think well he does nnot do anything about it!...well why not...cuz they have had so much critisism!
i think that is exactly why the world is so full of insecure women and unaffirmed men. it goes in a circle |
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steph6246
Posts:4
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| 09/07/2010 7:33 AM |
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Posted By Abby Berry on 05/24/2010 5:28 PM
It's a slightly different situation for me because I am a stay-at-home mom with twins whose husband is in the military. He works during the day and comes home and watches TV. I stuggle with conflicting emotions because on one hand, I feel like it is my job to do the majority of the housework and child-care because I don't work outside the home. On the other hand, I feel upset because I feel like my husband doesn't really appreciate how difficult it is for me to do everything on my own before he gets home from work, then do dinner, clean the kitchen again, and get the kids bathed and ready for bed all by myself. Sometimes I say something to him about being frustrated because he doesn't help, and he usually ignores me. But I usually say nothing, because one, it doesn't help, and two, like I said before, I feel like it is my responsiblilty. Anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with this situation?
GeneD, you are doing an AWESOME job!
Abby Berry, I'm in the same boat. Suggestion: I've posted daily reminders for myself on what I need to get done each day, and there are things that need to be done daily (taking out the stinky diapers, finishing the dishes, etc.). It is no secret what has to be done! And when I'm obviously busy, my husband doesn't whine or complain about stuff not getting done (he's learned better!) and sometimes he'll even pitch in. It's not a perfected system, but we're working on it. I'm on the FLYlady system - it's helping me get my house under control. Hope it helps you.
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