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Lann
Posts:1
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| 03/10/2009 9:46 AM |
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I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now and recently discovered that every night that we aren't together, he's looking at porn sites.
He's a gentle, loving and sweet guy. He's a Christian and very modest and dare I say somewhat "prudish". I am so surprised and shocked to discover the frequency of this actions.
I can't mention it to him because I discovered it by using his computer when he wasn't at the house. I had NO idea what I was going to find.
I don't know what to do. I feel like this man I fell in love with is some else completely different. I know he loves me and we've talked about marriage, but now there is a whole other side of him that I didn't know existed.
I told him I was reading the book and discussed a little about pornography and I asked him if he ever looked at magazines or pictures on line and he said no.
I'm am so disappointed and hurt. How do I pretend I don't know what he's doing?
What am I supposed to do?
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hwhit
Posts:3
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| 03/10/2009 11:13 PM |
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My boyfriend struggled with porn for several years before we started dating. He said that he oftened lied to his Christian friends and parents about it because he was afraid of their reaction. When one of his friends finally did find out, they encouraged him to go to a program called Celebrate Recovery at a local church. This program is offered at a wide variety of churches where Christian men face similiar sin patterns together on a weekly basis. It is what he needed to finally conquer his addiction to pornography. He has messed up once since we started dating and it was devastating so I certainly understand the feelings that you are having. I felt cheated on that he would need someone outside of me. I also felt inadequate.
While you say that you cannot mention it because you discovered it, I think that you need to confront him. Approach him with love, humility, and honesty not anger. I made this mistake. I think if you express your concern out of love rather than attacking him, he might respond better. Don't pull your support from underneath him, rather encourage him to seek biblical counseling and help and set out your expectations regarding future use of porn.
I hope that helps. I am certainly praying for you. |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 03/16/2009 12:50 AM |
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Okay, I was in your bf's shoes a little while ago.
I struggled with porn for about 7 years, ever since I found something in my dad's room in 7th grade. I wish that day never happened.
To help you out, what your boyfriend needs is either some kind of church program, and or an accountability partner (and that can't be you, sorry).
This may sound weird, but out of all the porn filters, and accountability, I still struggled. So, how did I stop? I first took initiative and said I was going to stop. I realized it was wrong, and prayed about it. Second, I started a daily journal that I wrote everything I did and everything I thought. Cause what he sees stays with him for a very long time. And so your thought life has to be pure as well. But, on the journal, I just wrote everything and gave it to my gf after a month to show her that I stopped, and showed her what I went through. Thats what he should do.
Now what you should do. I feel like its best if you can have him admit that hes looking at porn, without confronting him. Basically, i think you need to make him feel bad about what hes doing. Tell him how your so glad that your the only women in his life. Tell him that your so glad that your the only girl that he thinks about. Please do not confront him and put him down. It would help if he came to the realization first. Eventually he should come to and tell you. If not, i guess be more bold until, if it has to, confront him. But try to be very loving, but also tell him exactly how it makes you feel. Once that happeneds, stay on him, ask him everyday hows hes doing, and ask him twice. He might lie. I did.
This was the toughest thing in my life to overcome. Very tough. I screwd up alot. Even after a month without even looking, i thought I defeated it, and then one day i saw a revealing add, and then it went down hill. Please ask him everyday. It will help him.
If you don't talk to him about everyday, then he WILL screw up and feel too bad to tell you that he did. And then he will try to do it on his own, which is IMPOSSIBLE. He needs an accountatblilty partner, along with you on his tail. Please be forgiving because he will screw up. It REALLY helps when you express that you want to help him stop. It would make me feel good and it would SO help if my gf told me that she would like to help me fight it. It really encourages us.
I hope that helps, let me know whats going on, cause I would love to help men stop looking at porn.
If he has a hard time telling you that hes looking at porn, somehow, I don't know how really, but there is a statistic that says 66% of christian men who are married struggle with porn addicitons. More than a half. That might give him a hint that you basically know that he does this. I hope this might help.
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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flashbeaver
Posts:0
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| 03/16/2009 6:41 PM |
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Stop!
Don't go any further in this relationship untill you have gotten sound Godly advise.
That will not come from this forum. It will not come from women your own age.
Find a Godly woman who is at least in her 60's.
What I am saying is....find someone who has been where you want to go. "Marriage". They can more easily draw a map for you than someone who is just married or engaged to be married.
Do it. Don't give up. With the Lord's help you will find someone with sound advise. Maybe start with Focus on the Family. Sometimes they will counsel over the phone. |
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gracemercypeace
Posts:7
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| 04/21/2009 12:50 AM |
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First I think you need to be honest always. And I know there is fear there but I would be honest with him and tell him what you found. He may be defensive but this is his problem his sin he needs to deal with. If he is not willing to get help then I would definately put the relationship on freeze this is too serious of an issue to toss under the rug! You do not want to enter a marriage where one is being being adulterous from day one. The bible is clear that lusting in the heart is adultery. He does need help.
I don't agree that you cannot be the accountability partner. You may or may not be able to be depending on your walk with Christ and how you are able to handle his failures. You are not husband and wife but I you should not keep secrets from a spouse. If a spouse whats to be told the truth and asks questions we should answer truthfully. If they "can't or won't tell the truth "then they are a liar it is that simple.
Confront in love and pray much before you do. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 04/22/2009 8:01 PM |
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I don't believe you necessarily need to find a woman in her 60's. :-) Just find a woman with sound godly wisdom.
There are 12 years between Shaunti and I, and she is very much a wonderful mentor to me.
My $0.02!
-Julie
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