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maallen3
Posts:8
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| 05/11/2010 10:56 AM |
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One of the things I found most helpful in FWO was the examples of disrespect. I don't get it. I mean sometimes I know when I have been disrespectful but most of the time I have no clue! He has to get mad at me before I know that what I have done is disrespectful. I would love a list of disrespectful actions so I can prevent disrespect.
This is what I have put on my list so far. Any additions are welcome.
1. It is disrespectful to call anything a man likes silly or stupid (even if it is ).
2. It is disrespectful to explain to him how to do something he thinks he knows how to do.
3. It is disrespectful to throw away anything of a man's no matter how broken or usable it is.
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Stan McCullars
Posts:3
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| 06/29/2010 10:11 AM |
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| If he is getting mad at you, could it be that it is not you who is being disrespectful? |
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nazarene
Posts:7
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| 06/30/2010 2:15 PM |
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Hi! I made a list of some 25 things that a woman can do that is disrespectful to a man. I made it a while ago and it fits perfect as a response. I won't include them all. Here goes:
1. speaking in a childish tone- woman speaking down to a man as if he's a baby or needs teaching
2. angry tone or contemptuous tone
3. overly critical. criticism not preceded by praise. I think there should be a 4:1 ratio of praise to criticism whichever sex will do the criticism
4. overly questioning a man's decisions or behaviors "why, why". Comes across as untrusting
5. not respecting the man's needs for silence sometimes- always talking and demanding he listens. I mean sometimes he should, sometimes he wants to, when he knows you like it. Sometimes he needs to be alone, sometimes he is able to listen. But (and i find this with my mother) sometimes he wants to be near you, but not have to talk or listen.
6. withholding physical intimacy as punishment (or any sort of punishment for his just being a man)
7. requests or demands, with no equivalent give and take, quid pro quo
8. lack of EXPRESSION OF appreciation and gratitude, failure to acknowledgement- with the little things he does as much as the big things
9. An attitude of self-righteousness at any time. This causes penalty points to be given by him.
10. Not listening to his feelings, or rejecting his feelings, when he has revealed vulnerability, and when he says something from his heart that you don't like or approve of.
11. giving your best self to others- to your family, children, sister, parents, community or even strangers or pets, and not to him
12. teasing him in private, or much worse, in public, in front of others, especially men or those he most wants and needs respect from- those he works with especially
13. not thanking him enough. taking him for granted
14. not forgiving him when he feels remorse and regret.
15. attitude of condesention or superiority- or of victimhood -that he's patriarchical
16. under trusting him - either as honest, or as competent
17. not giving him chances he deserves.
18. magnifying his mistakes. not seeing him as the person he could become (which is largely what we need women for)
19. questioning how he does things
20. reducing his unique masculine (or individual) needs, disaffirming his masculinity
21. sharing intimate secrets with others, with the 'sisterhood' and not keeping important things private and sacred
22. not getting behind him as the leader, in times when this role would suit him
23. not appreciating his intellect or insight, but rather overvaluing or idealizing your 'intuition', as if his analyses count for little
24. saying (or thinking) "I told you so"
25. not giving him his needed space or 'cave time'.
26. sending him mixed signals, mixed messages. what man, in his courtships has never experienced this? (I am unfamiliar with married life)
27. talking too much when it taxes his ability to listen
28. demanding what means so little to you when it costs so much to him. (yes, this is not a gender issue- it cuts both ways, for the men reading this. I think this is one of the supidest things people do in human relationships)
29. probably the worst is withholding sex, putting trivial things above sex, and denigrating and misinterpreting his need for sex. Sex is what gives man megadoses of what he most needs. yes he can get doses from other areas, but sex from spouse should be what he can count on, and without it, won't he feel rejected, undesired? Not realzing both partners have responsibilities and sexual responsibility is one (marriagebed.com is interesting website). After all, he's supposed to be your 'BEST FRIEND!'. After all, he can't get intimacy anywhere else, supposing he has committed to monogomy, so by you withholding it when he wants it, you are putting him into a prison. then when you misunderstand his need and reason for it, and denigrate it and make him wrong or guilty for it- you are doing him a grave disservice and this is very hurtful and disrespectful. It's no wonder men's hearts begin to close in response to such coldness. True they may misinterpret the coldness, but it someone has to break the cycle
30. not returning his calls or emails, or letting him know where he stands w/ you, clearly and directly. Leaving him in the lurch, in limbo, in uncertainty and ambiguity. MEN LOVE DIRECTNESS. IT IS A SIGN OF RESPECT!. When a man is courting a woman, or in marriage and continuous courtship, the women should take responsibility for never letting him feel hopeless. once a man feels hopeless, in response to an unreceptive and unresponsive woman, he will back off, become ambivalent and just become passive. Yes there are men who need constant over-reassurance, perhaps from traumas,but in general, for normal healthy men, they need a dose of hope. they need to know they are not stalking a woman or being annoying or a pest. They need to know when they are doing well! And direct feedback when they are not, and that this feedback does not mean overall rejection- just that they should change their tact, but still pursue (if that's how she feels!).
31 .Trying to 'spare his feelings' by being indirect- which actually almost always hurts his feelings so much more in the long run. by being indirect, you are projecting your own insecurities into him, and subtly implying that he couldn't handle the truth, that he isn't man enough to face reality= and this is very disrespectful. A man, when he has something to say to another man, will be direct and straight and short and concise and pithy, if he doesn't want to come across as disrespectful
32. mothering him
33.not taking personal accountability for your own mistakes, displacing the blame onto him. displacement of blame is ALWAYS disrespectful, no matter what gender does it. being accusatory or standoffish, hostile or bitter
34. Impossible or contradictory demands are ALWAYS disrespecful. Who but Jesus Christ could meet them, and sometimes not even he is capable, if they are contradictory. This is very disrespectful. Unrealistic expectations gleaned from your own imagination, or from radical victim feminism or romance novel pornography
NOTHING IS SEXIER TO A MAN THAN A WOMAN'S COMPLETE TRUST IN HIM AND THAT HE FEELS NEEDED BY HER. MORE SEXY THAN ALL THE MAKEUP AND LINGERE AND PERFUME AND BALLROOM DRESSES. EVEN GIVES LOOKS AND BEAUTY A RUN FOR IT'S MONEY, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT. DON'T BELIEVE ME- TEST IT OUT!
35. not rewarding the committments he has and does make to you, Overlooking, minimizing or trivalizing his contributions and exaggerating your own ones. this, like so many of the other things listed, leads to penalty points,
I must post it now ere my time runs out. |
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nazarene
Posts:7
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| 06/30/2010 2:16 PM |
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| Good luck with the men in your life. In addition to trusting him, his feeling understood is very sexy and an act of love and respect, that you try to understand him |
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Grant I.
Posts:184
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| 08/15/2010 7:50 PM |
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| WOW! I think nazarene pretty much covered it all! VERY good list. |
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Vonnie
Posts:3
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| 12/22/2010 6:02 PM |
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| Thank you for that list......the stuff we women do wrong and don't even realize it...sorry guys!! |
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Hendo
Posts:5
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| 12/23/2010 7:14 PM |
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a feeling of being disrespected is not based on the intent of the offender, but rather the perception of the offended. your 3 rules in your initial post have undertones of belittlement, which would be extremely disrespectful. i'm not saying that your post is disrespectful, just that it's not what you say/do, it's how what you say/do is perceived.
do you respect him? disrespect is a lack of respect of courtesy. respect denotes a positive feeling of esteem. it's supportive. it's not about jumping through a bunch of hoops from a cheat-sheet of don't's.
cheers,
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john
Posts:13
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| 09/07/2011 1:17 PM |
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This is a two way street, if a man is defensive 100% of the time, then he could be acting selfishly or possibly needs some balance in his life by befriending other men that can build him up.
Ladies... We dont depend on hunting or fishing to provide food much these days, or much farming for that matter, in this day in age we just go to the grocery store.
We dont have to defend our wife and children from the bear or the lion, we mostly live in nice tract houses and master planned communities (David did in the bible, and I bet women today would find him to be quite the "man")
Men used to risk their lives to make sure their families were fed, think of even the recent black and white pictures of men sitting on the high steel beams of the empire state building as it was being built, with no tie off equipment!, INSANE!
This may sound "barbaric" but this used to be the norm and even expected of a man, part of his identity. unless this is used in some way in our nicely controlled society then he ends up feeling a little unusual. It only seems dumb because our culture has changed so much, it feels like society is telling a man "we got it bud.. its taken care of, we dont need you"
When men are immature this outlet is translated as fighting, carousing, drunkeness, bullying, belittling, insecurity or anger when challenged in any way.
When men are mature this is honed to a refined character that translates to steadfastness, patience, perseverance, sacrifice, honor, to protect at any cost to self, to be honored to suffer with the same old agonizing day in and day out job, holding to his word especially when it hurts, in short.. becoming the proverbial unmovable "oak" tree with deep roots.
Paula Cole sang a song "where have all the cowboys gone?" not the dirty wannabe's in seedy honky tonks. the ones hardened by the field, beaten by the sun and gravel in his gut. Us men want to be your cowboys again, we need the support.
As far as respect.. thats romance to a man, and a little bit goes a long way and often its the intention of the heart that a man views as honor, we are even willing to die for honor
Hope this paints a picture for you, God Bless
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john
Posts:13
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| 09/07/2011 1:51 PM |
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Nazarene... you stated "4. overly questioning a man's decisions or behaviors "why, why". Comes across as untrusting"
I would like to honor my wife, she has learned the most sacrificial way of surrendering to me in this circumstance. Early in our marriage (first year or two) she learned to take the advice of older married women and hold her tongue and co-operate with me when my decision was dead wrong and even at times when consequence may result. WOW!!!
Sisters... this accomplished what you are so desparately trying to force out of a natural fear.
I was forced to bear the burden of the choice if I was wrong.
I deeply trusted my wifes input when I turned to her for help
I sought her experiences instead of pushing her away
I was afraid to do the wrong thing
I grew up very fast, my wifes well being was on the line
I did mess up and she chose not to rub it in, she was my comforter and it empowered me
She was willing to sacrifice that I may become something she CAN trust
She now does trust my judgment, and if I dont know what to do I ask her, we often do things together, because I depend on her
By the way she is 8 years my senior and if you are younger than your husband and find it hard to surrender, think about how much harder it is for a woman who has been there and done that, she was independent before she married me and didnt need me, she had a house and a car and still makes for than me at this point, and because of this, NONE of that bothers me, I know where I stand in my wifes eyes
Obviously if your husband is not catching on and is simply foolish then by all means use your better judgment.. literally, but if he is willing......
Dont create a burden and force it on your man. Surrender the existing burden, forcing your man to pick it up.
Jesus knew what He was talking about when he said, CHOOSE to pick up your cross daily, and you must lose your life if you want to gain it.
GOD is GOOD!!! |
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