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scelestin
Posts:1
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| 01/05/2009 11:59 AM |
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Almost two weeks ago I saw a flyer that my fiance had picked up for a piano concert. I was extremely excited and he jokingly with his dry sense of humor acted like it was no big deal. We discussed it and I even suggested he get the tickets early so we could be sure to get a seat. I felt soo special knowing that he thought of and assumed he was planning an event that I would be interested in without my prodding. The week before the concert I suggested that after church we go for lunch and then on to the concert. He agreed that it was an excellent idea (this was also my way of reminding him to prepare for the concert). Yesterday was the day of the concert and as we were in the car leaving church he asked me how much the tickets cost and whether I had any cash on me. I only had ten dollars in my purse. He replied that he didn't have any cash on him. I immediatedly felt upset because I thought he had planned our day and had pre-purchased the tickets or at the very least been prepared to purchase them at the door. I hesitated and shortly after offered to stop at a teller machine to get cash for the tickets. I decided not to express my dissappointment and frustration and enjoy the afternoon afterall.
I've read most of the book FWO with the exception of the last chapter. I re-read the chapter on "Romance" this morning and identified with the comment Shaunti made in the section "scoring a ramantic success only to be paralyzed by the idea of having to top it. " She staed "Thankfully, I was able to convice him that anything he put thought into made me feel special, which made it safe for him to try." This is how I was feeling - special because he was putting thought into a romantic event, but it turned out that he didn't prepare as he ought to and even allowed me to pay for the tickets.
I haven't said anything to him about my feeling yet and I don't want to make a big issue of this, I know he is not one for details and has forgotten important details on his own schedule, nevertheless I would like him to know how special it makes me feel when he plans an event for us and properly prepares for it. He has made the comment that he needs help in the romance department but I guess what also upset me was that he didn't have a solution for not having any money for the tickets and maybe I shouldn't have suggested a solution so quickly. I know that he has the means and more than likely just left his money at home - he doesn't like to travel with a lot of cash on him because he tends to be free with giving and spending, and I understand that.
I don't want this to be a pattern in our marriage yet I'm wondering whether I'm making a bigger deal about this than I should. He is a good man, nevertheless I would like to express in a non-judgemental or critical way my feelings and preferences.
Any wisdom would be greatly appreciated
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 10:30 PM |
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| Keep it simple and fewer words would be best! My husband sounds similar to your guy. This is a difficult 'issue' to address. You want to make yourself clear, but too many words can leave him disinterested in what you are saying and worse have him feeling inadequate. Prepare ahead and say the things you want to say a bunch of times to get the emotion rung out of it. Then gather up the basic ideas you want to convey to him. 'It means a lot to me when you plan special events, thank you for taking me to the concert.' Don't combine that with a BUT! Keep that seperate. Maybe even talk to him about in regards to just a general scenario, 'I don't like it when people make plans and invite me then seem like they didn't plan it and I have to figure it out as we go along.' Guys are smart though so he may make the connection. You have to be careful, becaue no matter how gentle, sometimes they are going to feel like a failure. You may have to leave this one, and next time let him take up his slack. If you are 30 minutes late for another concert or lose reservations at a restaurant because he didn't take care of things, oh well! that is okay, because you will just enable him to continue not taking care of the details. Also, maybe that is something he likes about you. You compliment him because you are aware of those details that seem to bog him down. It doesn't mean he cares less, it just may mean, like my hubby, that little details can be really stressful. It may also be just immaturity that you, again, have to let him fail in rather than you enabling him to continue that way. Prepare yourself for him to do it again and remember that it isn't a direct reflection of his feelings for you, he just doesn't work that way...it may and it may not change. God speed, girl! |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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DCgirl
Posts:1
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| 05/17/2009 2:02 AM |
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You should never have mentioned the flyer except to say, "Wow, that looks like it would be fun to attend." Then if he asked you or took you it would be a nice surprise and something he really planned and executed to please you. Instead you completely controlled the event, nagged him several times by mentioning it, then tried to work all the loose ends yourself. And then you paid for both of you? It would have been better to skip the concert if he didn't have the money. I thought this was chapter 4 (Burden to Provide). If a man is going to plan something he needs the freedom to do so - or not. You have the wonderful opportunity to relax and enjoy it...or be willing to forget about it. |
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thatgirl706
Posts:1
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| 07/13/2009 3:37 PM |
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| He probably just didn't think how it would be better to pick up the tickets in advance. My guess: he thought he was doing great going to the concert with you and the rest of it never dawned on him! |
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Justaguy
Posts:11
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| 07/21/2009 11:34 PM |
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What a great discussion! SewReba and DCgirl really have some insight. If I may, I would like to inject a little from a male perspective, without trying to sound harsh.
If your fiance had been me, I would have found great enjoyment out of preparing for this event. I may have even planned a special lunch somewhere quiet, and then just in time for the concert to start, with pre-paid tickets in hand, arrive to enjoy the experience.
Now, that being said, most men enjoy planning romantic experiences, however when it becomes something expected of them, I for one tend to clam up, and frankly, loose interest (I know, not the best thing to do, but it does happen).
My advice: To hear you were excited about the prospect of going to the concert, I would bet your fiance would have been very proud of his initial accomplishment, but he's not finished yet. Resist the temptation to take control of the planning of his event. You said "you discussed it..." but he may not have been looking for your input other than your approval. I really like how DCgirl put it, "You have the wonderful opportunity to relax and enjoy it... or be willing to forget about it."
Just think how special it makes you feel when he does something for you, and you haven't asked for any of it! He needs to feel he has the freedom to do something special for you without always having expectations put on it.
I believe when some guys say they "need help in the romance department", what they mean is they're not sure that what they think is romantic, will meet your approval (and expectations)! Give him the chance to experiment, reassuring him anytime he tries something romantic, how special it makes you feel. No guy can resist that!
You'll have a St. Valentine on your hands in no time! |
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